Review: Taskmaster, “In my mind there’s a river.” | Series 22, Episode 1

Welcome back to Episodic Medium’s coverage of Taskmaster, which will arrive in your inbox each weekend. We’ll have a full fall schedule soon.

Good news: It’s a brand new season of Taskmaster, with our new contestants Chloe Petts, Isy Suttie, Matt Lucas, Nina Conti, and Richard Ayoade! Bad news: Taskmaster Greg Davies kicks us off with a rap. I’d rather have a hundred awkward Little Alex Horne jokes instead.

Speaking of Little Alex Horne, this season’s artistic theme is the classics, which was also LAH’s subject of choice at Cambridge. I hope he was able to live out all his dreams this season. Based on an ersatz Ancient Greek tablet in the living room and the contents of the first task, I’m guessing he had a blast. 

I’m already optimistic about this season after its first 47 minutes, with a few open questions. Such as: Is Richard Ayoade’s contrarianism going to charm me or annoy me? Is Taskmaster going to make me actually like Matt Lucas? (No hate, I’ve just mostly found him annoying in his other ventures.) How tall is Chloe Petts? Let’s get into it.

Prize Task

• The first prize task of S22 is to bring in the droopiest object. All five contestants (arguably) put real effort into this, which bodes well. Petts’ object, an articulated wand, was one of the weaker ones in both my and Davies’ estimations, but I loved how bold they were, walking right up to Davies in the first minutes of the first episode. Even though they only got 2 points, I’m excited to see how their relationship with Davies grows over the course of the season. 
• Suttie won the task with her oaty soup in tights. Surely this is one of the biggest discrepancies in Taskmaster history between “winning prize object” and “enjoyability of winning object by the episode winner.” Honestly, though, placing oats in tights over a bath tap is a pretty good eczema tip. Will have to try it this winter.

• Other droopy objects: The droopy, wrinkled backside of The Pale Man from Pan’s Labyrinth (Conti, 4 points); a de-stuffed Droopy plush toy (Lucas, 3 points); and a mildly neglected peace lily plant (Ayoade, 1 point).

First Task

• The first task of the season is — for the first time ever! — also the first task filmed for the show. Contestants had to put the golden apple on the golden plate. If the golden apple touches the ground, you are disqualified. Also, you must be handcuffed to Alex throughout. Fastest wins.
• I say this every season, but: Have you really been paying attention to this show if you are not immediately looking everywhere in the room (and on LAH) for clues? 

• I feel like this one might spark some debate: Ayoade’s request to have his foot handcuffed to LAH’s hand was absolute genius … but LAH’s “doesn’t have to be a hand” did set him up for it. Would he have thought of it without LAH’s remark? Doubtful. (LAH on all fours like a dog is … on brand, actually. The man loves to be humiliated.)
  • Ayoade mitigated that stroke of genius with a bit of laziness by putting a regular apple in a bright yellow bowl. As I said in the intro, I’m not sure if his argumentativeness is ultimately going to be charming or irritating.
• There were two very validating moments for me during this task. One, when Conti picked up the red phone and heard “shade” instead of “shed,” I thought it sounded like a Kiwi accent. So I was delighted to find out that it was in fact Taskmaster S9 second-place winner Rose Matafeo (and who will also be appearing in the seventh season of Taskmaster New Zealand, which starts next week). Second, when they showed the tunnel from the shed to the ancient grove, I exclaimed, “Is this fucking Narnia?” Thank you, Suttie, for agreeing with me. That was absolutely magical and I hope the Taskmaster set designers and dressers get their flowers. I was utterly charmed by this task.
• Even with the grabbers and the stacking bricks in Narnia, height provided an advantage on securing the golden apple. According to Google, Petts is 6’.
• Petts is already my favorite. On handcuffing, “This is quite fashionable in the queer community.”
• Slowest to fastest: Suttie, Petts, Conti, Ayoade, Lucas. Actual points based on whether they actually completed the task: 0 (Suttie, Ayoade), 3 (Petts), 4 (Conti), 5 (Lucas, who finds a golden apple in the cabinet almost immediately, but does not get to go to Narnia).

Second Task

• First team task! Move this bed into the living room. You may not look at each other, and you may only say words with one syllable. For every stray glance, scuff mark, or extra syllable, a minute will be added to your time. Fastest fully made bed in the living room wins.
  • In general, I think Americans make a better bed than our British counterparts, since we use a top sheet. I was a little sad we didn’t have an American contestant this season to make fun of British bed-making. 
• Our team of two this season is Suttie and Conti, and our team of three is Lucas, Petts, and Ayoade. 
• I loved that Suttie and Conti immediately developed their one one-syllable ape-like syntax. “Me think we win.” “Cam man soz.”
• This task was fun but not as hilarious as it could have been. Suttie and Conti have really lovely chemistry together, and I think we could expect some argument-based hilarity from the team of three at some point this season. 

• Both teams managed to move and make their beds, but Suttie and Conti made 33 mistakes, bringing their total time to 1 hour, 6 minutes, and 29 seconds. The team of three won with only nine mistakes and a total time of 21 minutes.

Third Task

• Perform a passionate duet with yourself, about yourselves. You must sing both parts. Best duet wins. You have 20 minutes.
• I cringed as soon as LAH started quoting ’80s lyrics, but actually … four out of the five contestants can actually passably sing and/or play an instrument? A couple of them even had perfectly respectable harmonies. 
• Conti couldn’t do either, but sheer gusto, I guess, earned her 5 points, in a tie with the surprisingly earnest duet from Petts and Petts. 

• Lucas’ song “Me and Me” felt like something from Sesame Street until that last weirdly pornographic line. Absolutely worth it as the setup to Petts saying of their own duet, “Left, top. Right, bottom.”

Final Task

• The first final task of the season was to hold up the item or items that the Taskmaster shouts. 

• It was reminiscent of many a final studio Taskmaster task, and was neither amazing nor terrible, but it did make me glad for such tight editing; I think it could have been a lot drearier in person.
• Surprisingly, Ayoade won the task and earned the full 5 points, which wasn’t enough to pull him out of last place for the episode. 
• Petts won the first episode, and I hope they win many more.

Stray Observations

• I studied a bit of Ancient Greek in college, and was pleased as punch that I was able to write out the transliteration of the tablet in the living room: ergodotou paresti soi o kairos enarxesthe. Finally, an opportunity to put my most useless academic skill to use! Unfortunately, it has been a very long time since college, so my translation skills stopped at “kairos” meaning “time.” Fortunately, the Taskmaster subreddit informed me that this phrase means, “Your time starts now.” They also pointed out the chi (x) I missed after “ergodotou”; together they mean (more or less) “Taskmaster 22.” Glad I suffered through two semesters of a dead language. 

• You, too, can sponsor a dog-waste bin in Witham!
• Chloe Petts on the Holy Trinity Church band and just popping Jesus on the cross:

• The mosaic portrait looks more Michael Sheen than Greg Davies. 

• I’m thrilled to be here with you for another season of Taskmaster! For the most part, look for reviews on Fridays/Saturdays, though there will be an exception or two because of my day job.